Because I actually started writing stuff down long before I started "publishing" my thoughts I figured I would start this blog at the beginning by posting what I actually wrote about a month ago. 2/10 was when everything changed......
The Difference a Day Makes (Sunday 2/10)
I feel like crap. And I mean crap. No descriptive metaphor. Earlier today I went running/jogging/walking, training for my first 5k, so I knew I would be tired, but not like this. I come home and decide to make mini-quiche from a recipe. I’m doing big things in the kitchen, quiche, bacon, toast and coffee. I call my husband to see if he is done at his grandmother’s and if he wants to have breakfast. He’s at the bar. At noon. On a Sunday. He says he won’t be there long
I'm upset. I eat my breakfast alone and put his in the microwave.
After I finish eating and read a book I take a nap. The wind, slamming against my doors and windows like someone trying to break in is scary while I’m awake, but somehow soothing in my sleep.
When I wake up, there are no numbers on the clock. The house is quiet. I try to turn on the television and get an empty click.
I call him to let him know. Still at the bar. Doesn’t know what time he is coming home because he is playing pool.
“Are you drunk already?”
Yes. I don’t need to ask. I can hear it in his voice.
I’m pissed. Too pissed. Sitting on the couch, looking at, listening to nothing, I feel angrier than I should. My breasts hurt. My back hurts. I feel nauseous and light headed. PMS is a bitch.
But then I realize that PMS is not normally this bitchy. And then the panic begins.
I have this moment of panic probably every other month. I think I’m pregnant and have no reason to. I’ve been on the birth control ring for more than a year now. Leave it in for three weeks. Take it out for one. Put it back in and start over. Its not like having to take a pill every day, there’s not much room for error.
I know that I’m not pregnant so I go to the dollar store to buy the test. In my last moment of panic I found out from a friend that they sold dollar store tests. No use spending $7 on a test that I already know will be negative. Since they are only a dollar I buy two.
Back at home. I still have no lights and its getting darker outside. Nice. I’ll have to pee in the tiny cup that comes with the test in the dark. Except the dollar store test doesn’t come with a cup, you have to provide your own. Luckily we have paper cups.
Four drops on the test. Two lines pop up… quickly. The test is wrong because it’s from the dollar store. I open the second test. 4 drops, two lines again.
Its not true. I wrap up the two little lies in a paper towel and put them under the sink. I call my mother to tell her I’m coming over for a little while because my electricity is out. As I’m putting on my coat, the lights come back on.
I am waiting for Kya to get ready so that we can leave my mother’s house. I want to lie down. I don’t want another baby. I’m thinking about all of the things that were easy that will now be hard. I have a birthday party planned in a couple of weeks and now I can’t even have a drink. We’re going away for the weekend in March where everyone will be drinking…except me. Vegas in May? Who feels like running around the strip with a big belly? I’m trying to finish school. We were going to take trips and be married for three years, have a chance to enjoy each other, and now this. I had planned to be happy the next time. I had planned to plan it the next time. And I did. And my plan still went wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m tired of dealing with this by myself now. I call him. Still at the bar. By now he has put in almost an entire workday at the bar. I need him to come home. I ask him if I should plan for him to come home for dinner. His voice is frustrated. He’ll be home in an hour.
I hang up on him. I’ve had enough. I send him a text message.
Im so **bleeping** upset all u want 2 do is go 2 champs and get *bleep!** up obviously I need u to come the *bleep!* home!
He calls, asking me what is wrong. Asking me not to hang up on him. I hate him right now. He’s drunk, more than drunk, and I need someone strong, someone sober. He continues to ask me. I don’t want to tell him over the phone. If he cares he will come home. It shouldn’t matter why I need him. Only that I do. He yells, frustrated, then hangs up in my ear.
I’m lying in bed on the verge of tears. Kya is downstairs watching something on the Disney Channel. I’m surprised to hear his key click in the door. He comes into the bedroom words slurring.
“Whats wrong with you.”
I hate him even more. I had imagined being excited, telling my husband over dinner or with some really cute, well crafted plan. But I am upset and he is standing, barely standing in front of me, drunk as ever.
“ I didn’t want to tell you like this but I’m pregnant.”
“Uh-uh.” He says. But he is smiling. His face is lighting up. Its true, I tell him. I go and get the little wrapped up tests from the cabinet and show them to him. He tells me he doesn’t know what he’s looking at. I tell him he needs to go get another test. Those came from the dollar store and could be wrong. “Go get a high-tech one” I say.
The one he comes back with has words. It flashes with an hourglasss like a computer screen while I wait. No double lines here. This one spells it out- pregnant, in bold letters.
I take it out and show it to him. “No mistaking this one” I say. Now he is hugging me, tackling me, all over me. Excited.
I’m happy and I’m miserable. I’m laughing hard and I’m crying like a baby. I’m hugging him back and pushing him away, loving him, hating him, blessed and cursed, excited for the future but wishing that the future was just a little bit further away.