Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Caution! Beware the Pregosaur! (34 weeks, 5 days)

Breaking News! A Pregosaurus Rex has been spotted on the loose in the Woodlawn area. Early reports say this Pregosaur, or P-Rex as they are also called, went on a rampage when an unknown male presented her with a double chocolate cake when she clearly requested a yellow cake with white frosting. Authorities believe that she may be scouring the land in search of food.

The P-Rex is characterized by its close resemblance to an elephant and disproportionately large belly. She may waddle while walking, have swollen fingers, and will likely be breathing like a 500 pound man even though she is walking slowly. The pregosaur is often delusional and may be wearing too small clothes that she has convinced herself are shrinking.

If you spot the Pregosaur, proceed with caution! The P-Rex is volatile and can appear calm but will attack at any given moment. If you encounter her, please refrain from rubbing her belly or using words like "huge" or "twins" as these things are known to incite violence. Try throwing a Krispy Kreme donut in the opposite direction to distract her and then make your get away. If all else fails, lie flat on the ground as the P-Rex cannot reach her toes. The best thing to do is contact authorities on sight. Do not underestimate the power of the P-Rex, as she has the ability to multiply!

Friday, August 8, 2008

The Darndest Things (32 weeks)

There is something about being pregnant that seems to prompt everyone around you to say the most ignorant things that come to their mind. It is amazing that with each passing week my belly seems to be a magic wand that turns a normal, intelligent person into an OB GYN with a degree in Dumb Assedry. Although I have come to realize that most people are well meaning, it doesn’t make the comments any less annoying. I would like to do a brief public service announcement and let everyone know that just because a woman is pregnant does not mean that it is time to turn off your sensitivity switch. If it was rude before, its still rude now- i.e. referring to a woman as huge. Below are some real comments that I’ve received that could get you stabbed, shot, killt (yes with a t), or hurt if you say them to a pregnant woman ( or at least get you a smart response from me)

“Wow are you sure you’re not having twins?”
You know I might need to check on that. I am only eight months pregnant. Maybe during the 20 doctor visits that I’ve had over the last 3o something weeks and in the five ultrasounds, the doctor somehow missed that second baby in there. I have gained some weight in my boobs though. Maybe he’s hiding in one of those.

“Wow are you sure you’re going to make it to October?”
You know although I have an October due date I am soooo over the whole October thing. Something about it is just so 1999. I think a Leo might go a little better with my nursery color scheme so I’m actually thinking of popping this little guy out sometime next week.

“Get your rest now because once that baby comes you won’t be able to get any sleep”
Thanks I’ll remind myself of that as I’m trying to sleep right now with a head in my ribcage. Nothing says sweet dreams like a pelvis full of feet.

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
Hmm,- now that you mention it-not so much. But I am only 8 months pregnant. I’ve got lots of time to rethink my decision.

“You can’t possibly be that hungry”
I don’t even have a smart comment for this one. The worst thing about this was that a man said it. As a man, “you can’t possibly” should never begin any sentence that is going to end with something related to pregnancy. I will also extend this to pms, menopause, and any other womanly situation that you will never, ever, ever be able to relate to. As a matter of fact, as a man, your only response to a pregnant woman should be “you look beautiful”. The next time you feel like you want to say something regarding your pregnant woman’s weight, food intake, swollen ankles etc., just turn to her and say “you look beautiful”. It will get you good things in life.

And the number one crazy comment….
“After you have the baby you should be strong and in shape from all that weight you’ve been carrying around.”
Huh? Whaaa? Did you just?...I don't even have anything to say. The only thing I can do is keep the identity of the person who said it safe to protect the guilty :)