Monday, January 19, 2009


Disclaimer: I'm holding the baby and typing one handed so please excuse any horrible errors or misspellings

Last night, Steve and I were able to hand Logan off to his parents for a few hours so that we could go out with some friends and watch our team, the Ravens, lose miserably to the Steelers. As it always does at co-ed functions, at some point the conversation turned to issues within male-female relationships. There were four women at the table other than myself, all of whom believed in the sentiment that if a husband were making enough money and taking care of all the bills, as long as he didn't bring home any babies or diseases, he was free to sleep with whomever he wanted. Maybe I am naive, or a little idealistic, but I was disturbed by this.

Its not that I didn't realize that many women felt this way. I guess that I just associated the type of thinking with a certain type of woman, i.e., the type of woman that is working hard to score an NBA player i.e. a goldigger. I think in some way I take comfort in being "regular folks", who have chosen regular lifestyles instead of compromising themselves in so many ways to ensure an endless supply of cars and handbags. I never quite realized that the real reason why we were regular folks was because at some point we missed out on the money train and ended up with our regular hard working husbands who, because of their relative lack of financial status, must be punished to a lifetime of fidelity.

During the conversation I mostly stayed quiet, mostly because I was a little too tipsy to provide an articulate debate for my unpopular opinion. However today, as I've sobered up, the conversation has been on my mind.

Why are we as women so willing to sell ourselves short of what we deserve? When my husband and I said our wedding vows, I don't remember a financial exemption clause. Nothing that said abide by these rules, unless you make over 1 million dollars a year and then they don't matter any more. If I as your wife am giving you 100 percent of myself, and I am your wife all day everyday, then its not ok for you to in return give me 75. Furthermore, if a man can't respect me enough not to sleep with hoards of groupies, how can I expect him to respect me enough not to bring me diseases or any of the other unpleasantries of that lifestyle.

I hate to go on a tirade or get on my soap box, but I often fell that women setting the bar so low makes it impossible for it ever to be raised any higher. When I got married, I didn't do it so that I could be his "main woman", I did it so that I could be his only woman. I am not so naive as to believe that infidelity doesn't exist anyway even if you don't "allow" it, but just because it could happen, is that enough to lower your expectation so that even the standard never exists?

I guess some of it also has to do with what you find important in life. My husband works hard, 12 hour days most of the time, doing manual labor, and he is far from being a millionaire. No he can't buy me a Porsche or whisk me off to Milan. But he provides all that we need for our family. I know that at night when he lies down its next to me and I feel like I am the only woman in the world, a feeling that no amount of money can compensate for.

But I guess thats just what is important to me. Should money be an excuse for bad behavior? I'm curious as to what others think. Your comments are appreciated...

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey this is Jessica. I had no idea that regular women believed that it was ok for their men to cheat on them - I thought it was unacceptable under all circumstances. I do not know if it is a cultural thing, but black women need to raise the standards for black men. I do not know where the cycle began, probably during Reconstruction, but when black women stepped up to the plate as the matriarchs and leaders of our society, they set expectations of black men so low, that trifflin ish became the norm. But people will rise or sink to expectations set for them. Someone needs to join Steve Harvey on the bullhorn and tell women that they deserve more and if they do not settle for the first prospect that comes their way, they will meet the person that is everything they love and deserve.